Meandering Mind

I cannot focus. I cannot concentrate. My mind has decided to leave me in the middle of a bog while it hops around happily in the un-bogged green Shire-like pastures beyond. What am I trying to say? What I mean to say is that my brain, my mind has acquired these vagabondly traits through which it is able to desert me completely especially when I most need it. I mean there would be a textbook page in front of me, ‘mechanisms of synaptic transmission’ for instance, pleading desperately for my mind’s attention. Just a few moments out of its busy schedule. And the mind chooses instead to delve deeply into the several reasons why Chris was voted off from the American Idol (I thought he would make it to the final at least). Or sweeps other unconnected, unrelated, disjointed thoughts towards me. There is a vast variety of these 'thoughts' if you might call them that, apparating from nowhere, “Why Isabel Archer chooses to stay with Osmond in the end?” (Even though I read ‘Portrait of a Lady eons ago), the contents of Mahmoud Ahmedinajad’s letter or reflecting upon my every day discontents or contentment for that matter. It sometimes meanders into other dark, mysterious alleyways, which despite their darkness are somehow warm, a warm inviting darkness. I of course don’t want to clamp down on this tendency in its entirety. The exasperating thing is that this happens when I badly, frantically need to study. Could there be a worse example of mind treachery? Can you imagine having your thought train so totally out of your control? Treason it is.

How do you tame this wandering gypsy? These nomadic predispositions of your mind. They (those who have their own will perfectly under control and so can look condescendingly down below) say the lack of will is the main culprit in situations like these. I admit not having this will in superfluous quantities. But the fact of not having it in appreciable quantities does make it more difficult to will my will not to let the mind fly away when I need it not to. Its one flaw I have been having a battle of swords against. Though it does occur to me that my sword might be a bit blunt. And therefore ill-suited to inflict a sufficiently strong blow. That I am also perhaps not trying hard enough. Am I just a slave then? Of my faults? It hurts my ego to think that.

If all of this makes sense please do tell me because sometimes (or at most times), I don’t succeed in my hunting for the right words. I search them in the jungle of my mind but in vain. Like tiny dwarves trying but unable to climb an unscalable wall. Trapped in their city.

Anyway I didn’t post ‘coz I was struggling to keep my mind towards synapses and kidney’s histology and stuff of that kind. I thought about posting at the end of May but then changed my mind. There will be my MCAT around August somewhere so I do have to sit on my books for a long time. Don't know what will happen to my post frequency.