I forsook writing for so long, I am not even sure I can write anything at all. I have lost my capacity to hold one thought at a time and then take it to its conclusion. I think my mind is degenerating, dissolving into an uninspired mass of dumbness. Neurons splitting up, delinking. One thought suddenly halting ... it then disperses in a whoosh. Another thought takes it place, completely unconnected to the previous one, and then it leaves off too. So there is a vacant look in my eyes sometimes, a vacantness in my mind. Yes, I am becoming dumb I suppose. By why should I really fear dumbness? What is it in stupidity that frightens me? The fact that I'll fall down in my opinion? Or in others' opinions? Or the former because of the latter? Is it the human reality then? Or just my reality perhaps? Corrupted Being. Thats all that matters to us. How do we fare in the minds of others? With materialistic matteristic things and non-matteristic things. Even when all the while, we profess the fact that it doesnt. Maybe my self-esteem goes a bit higher if I see myself well reflected in other people' s eyes. Even if I know I am too hollow, too unworthy of it all. Oh, why do I not hate myself for that? But how do you escape it? Can you ever? Are we fed a constant dose of high praise on purpose? By our genes and our minds. A sense of false importance and distinctness? For the purpose of that survivalistic struggle. Makes one feel not in control of one's self. Maybe thats one of the reasons which puts sense into the idea of the presence of an Absolute Being. So that we submit our inflated egos, allow them to be dissolved. By that complete and utter submission of our selves. A complete self-abnegation of sorts. And meanwhile its the empty, empty, empty sordid self of mine. Empty. Sordid.

And I can't continue any more. I felt I had to fill these spaces with whatever came into my head. But the nonsensity is at an end here. Don't know when I'll write again..